Five green plants later...

There is hope after all.
Piles of books on history and anthropology on my living-room table can attest to that.
There is a even sunlight making its way through my basement apartment window.
And the birds are coming out of hiding and of silence.
With the birds, my 62-page proposal emerged from God knows where.
Yes, the dissertation proposal that is going to determine whether my program will go forward, or take me back one year...
Absolutely. That's the very same one I am talking about.
So, it took me three months, but I finished it yesterday and now am waiting for the verdict from my supervisor. In three weeks, I will stand before a committee of examiners who will probably rip apart every single inch of my proposal, and attempt to demonstrate my lacks and flaws...

But there is hope after all.
I mean, back in January, I had NO IDEA how to come up with 50 pages. Now I have 62 pages of tedious writing, research, analysis, syntheses, and arguments.
That is chapter one of my dissertation.

Four more to go.

Tell me, who in the whole world, writes THIS SLOW?

I just spent the past 48 hours locked up in my apartment, eyes glued to my computer screen and buttocks literally numb from sitting on my couch... And for the past 48 hours, I experienced a kind of emotional yo-yo, thinking about missed deadlines and... the incredible speed of my writing...

Yes I said incredible. As in INCREDIBLY SLOW.
I mean, who else in this whole world, with this much education, writes THIS SLOW?
Tell me who can beat my 5 paragraphs in 48 hours?
So I told myself that if I said some prayers, meditated a little and brought in more green plants into my apartment, that perhaps, maybe and probably, my writing flow would be restored.

WRONG.

Every sentence I write, I rewrite twice. Then I read my paragraphs over and realize I am missing important and crucial references, which then require I go read and browse through another couple of articles... This is not counting the bibliographical entry attached to each reference I add to the text. Of course the writing is punctuated also by feelings of inadequacy about my other roles: single mother and housekeeper. Sigh.

Of course, trying to reach other PhD friends on the phone is nearly impossible as every single one of them seems to have turned into a turtle and receded into their shell.
Talk about a community of learning. Pfft.

So I end up staring at my computer and writing and deleting and cutting and pasting back, and spellchecking, and rewording, and deleting again. Going to sleep is another uncertain process. After brushing my teeth I realize oh Eureka, maybe I should have added this idea into the text, so I turn the computer back on. Only to end up feeling completely deflated once the Word document is open and I am suddenly feeling as uninspired as I was before I brushed my teeth in the first place. The great idea I just had in the bathroom? Well, it didn't look too good anymore once confronted to the 25 pages already written and looking back at me with... should I say, poise?

Sigh.

Anyway, I guess I need to get back to my writing. This was a nice break though. It made me feel useful.

Summer jitters

So summer vacation is officially here.
Let me clarify what I mean by "summer vacation".
I don't mean, "yey, school is over, let's travel and party!". And I certainly don't mean "yey, no more work to do, let me find myself a cool summer job and forget about studying for a few months!"
Heck no.
Summer vacation in PhD student linguo can be translated into more something along these lines: "What now, there must be a way to cram one full year of readings into three months? Perhaps I could finally catch up on my theory bibliography by finishing up Foucault's Archeology of Knowledge, Talal Asad's Genealogies of Religion, Walter Benjamin The Arcades, and perhaps I can even brush up on my German? Naaah..... It's best to focus completely on my dissertation research so that I don't feel guilty for another full year of not having put the summer to good use.... Well, is that exactly a good idea?" -- head scratching....
That's when you look up from your library cubicle and outside the window to see reckless undergrads sprawled on the campus lawn or innocently playing an improvised football ( I mean soccer here) game... On the sidewalk, people are parading in colorful summer clothes, strolling nonchalantly down Main Street, and undeniably enjoying a warm and long-awaited spring weather.
It is tempting to let yourself get carried away by the warm caressing breeze and by the colorful and flowerish surroundings, but... YOU KNOW BETTER.

I mean, if you miss three-month worth of reading, horrible things may happen.

• First, you'll have nightmares filled with remorse and hand-twisting for having procrastinated yet again.
  
• Secondly, you'll only have your golden tan to show at your oral comprehensive exams in the fall.
  
• Thirdly, you'll be oh so sorry when your funding has ended and you still haven't finished your dissertation.
  
• Fourth, you'll have only YOU to blame this time, instead of your advisor when everything is running behind because YOU not HIM/HER decided to sprawl on the lawn instead of doing a literature review of your topic.
  
• Finally, is it really that wise to fool yourself into thinking you're a normal person, a regular student, or even a rightful academic for a few months only to find that reality hits you HARD in the upcoming school year?

Sigh....

Well, that's right.
So I stay put in my dark library cubicle, where books and articles are only piled higher by the day, seeking comfort in the fact that.... the library is finally quiet and undergrad-free for me to actually get some work done.

Can't help but smile: after all, summer ain't that bad, is it?

Anyone else with comprehensive/prelim/qual exam anxiety?

So I've said it.
Yes, it's all supposed to be a casual formality. Something you do in your 3rd year as a PhD student, get over with, so that you can move on to your dissertation research.
Yeah right.
Again, here's another stage of your doctoral program where you are completely on your own, with seldom any specific guidelines, and with almost no colleague to share experiences with.
In the end, it all comes down to managing your own fears, anxieties, and questioning in isolation.
While some university departments seem to have a clear rationale behind these examinations, such as forcing PhD students to get a head start on their research topic by providing a full literature review for their dissertation topic, many departments make you do something that is -- to put it mildly -- this mixture between an end of coursework test and a literature review of unrelated topics. The result: anxiety-ridden students who question why they got involved in a doctoral program in the first place.
During a web search for some supportive material about comprehensive exams, I stumbled across this article in Degree in Sight Volume 2, number 2 on the website of the GradPsych magazine called: Preparing for your comprehensive exams.
Here is an excerpt:

Like many graduate students, Meghan Duff faced her comprehensive exam—a hurdle doctoral students must jump before embarking on their dissertation projects—with trepidation. As a third-year applied psychology student at Antioch New England Graduate School in New Hampshire, Duff needed to pass a two-part exam consisting of an essay question and an oral presentation of a clinical case.

To quell her anxiety, Duff picked up some study habits that may have puzzled her pets.

"I walked around my kitchen and kept on talking about this case," she says. "No one was there, but I talked and talked and talked until I was nearly hoarse."

The essay question, which students get a week to write, worried Duff a little less.

"At Antioch, the idea is that as long as you have kept up with your class reading, you can pass the exam without much extra studying," she notes. "But you will have to review your notes and formulate your ideas."

However, no two universities have exactly identical comprehensive exams, says Dolores Albarracin, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Florida. Still, one thing most do have in common is the nightmares they can provoke in graduate students.

For example, Albarracin's students take a seven-question exam in a computer lab, where they have eight hours to write essays with no outside resources. Other universities, such as Yale University, give students an entire semester to work on large literature review papers. And most universities, says Albarracin, allow students to retake the exam if they do not pass the first time around.

But regardless of the exam format, she notes, students who prepare rarely fail.

So I guess, this quote ends on a nice note, doesn't it?

PhD program: a masochistic exercise?

For those who attempt it, the doctoral dissertation can loom on the horizon like Everest, gleaming invitingly as a challenge but often turning into a masochistic exercise once the ascent is begun. The average student takes 8.2 years to get a Ph.D.; in education, that figure surpasses 13 years. Fifty percent of students drop out along the way, with dissertations the major stumbling block. At commencement, the typical doctoral holder is 33, an age when peers are well along in their professions, and 12 percent of graduates are saddled with more than $50,000 in debt.

Before you all get onto your high horses, here's my disclaimer: This is not me saying this. This is an excerpt from a New York Times article published in October 2007.

Interestingly, there is also this book, titled How To Get a PhD by Estelle Philips and Derek S. Pugh, that points to various ways NOT to get a PhD: basically, here is a summary of what you should do not to get a PhD.

ONE. Not wanting a PhD.

TWO. Not understanding the nature of a PhD by overestimating what is required.

THREE.Not understanding the nature of a PhD by underestimating what is required.

FOUR. Not having a supervisor who knows what a PhD requires.

FIVE. Losing contact with your supervisor.

SIX.Not having a thesis.

SEVEN. Taking a new job before finishing.

So if you're one of those suffering from PhD depression, I suggest you check out the 1-minute Log.

For laughs: You know you're a grad student when....

You know you're a graduate student when...

* you can identify universities by their internet domains.
* you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
* you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.
* you understand jokes about Foucault.
* the concept of free time scares you.
* you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
* you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
* Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
* the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
* you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
* you appreciate the fact that you get to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
* you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it).
* you can read course books and cook at the same time.
* you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
* you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
* you've ever worn out a library card.
* you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
* you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
* you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
* you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
* your office is better decorated than your apartment.
* you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
* you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
* you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
* you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
* everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
* you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
* you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
* there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
* you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
* you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
* you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
* you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
* you consider all papers to be works in progress.
* professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
* you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
* you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
* you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
* you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
* you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
* you often wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
* you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
* you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
* you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication".
* you have a favourite flavour of instant noodle.

good stuff...

Four things you should know as a grad student

Since it's Saturday night and that I've spent the past couple of hours reading an article about a neo-Boasian, anti-Malinowskian, pseudo-Foucaultian theory-of-sorts -- DISCLAIMER: of course, it wasn't planned that way. I had actually inserted a fun movie into my DVD player and set up fluffly pillows for my couch, along with a bowl of popcorn for a nice evening...

Ok. Anyway. So, I just thought I would pass on some wisdom to colleagues who may find themselves in the same predicament.

ONE. Never take weekends for granted. I mean, who cares about weekends. You'll get work emails Friday night, Saturday at 4 a.m. and Sunday at 10 a.m. from undergrad students who want to know where they can find a copy of the Webster Dictionary... That's not counting the occasional email reply from supervising faculty-- two months behind -- emphasizing the fact that your 15-page essay lacks coherence and purpose...

TWO. Take library books home with you. Do not let them sit on your cubicle. I guarantee, you'll be needing at odd times and won't be liking the idea of making your way to a locked building at 3 a.m. through a windchill of minus 40 degrees celsius.

THREE. Breakfast is something you have in the morning -- let me take this back, I mean, when you wake up, whenever that be -- that is supposed to include fruits, protein, and carbs. You are supposed to eat this preferably at a dining table. Not at a computer desk, not while typing a paper, not while running to conference. Not before going to sleep.

FOUR. Photocopying WILL become your main activity. Not buying books --urghhh-- and not sitting quietly in a romantic student desk reading them either. Photocopying will become what makes or breaks you. I promise.

(To be continued...)